Divorce & Separation 7: Vulnerability

There is a difference between being vulnerable and choosing to be vulnerable.

I think it is important to know the difference for both those going through the grief process, and others who want to support them.

Being vulnerable is a real part of any grief process.

People are hurt and wounded. They have experienced a great loss, not only within their life but also within their own identity. In separation and divorce, like death, everything changes.

Therefore it is so important during this time, the vulnerable, hurt person is carefully managed. Just like a person who is physically hurt, a grieving person also has real wounds. A physically hurt person needs careful nursing – an emotionally hurt person does too.

For the grieving person, they need to firstly understand and accept their current state, as being not their usual self. When this is acknowledged, the person can grant themselves the permission to set boundaries with people (or resetting new ones), and expressing their mind and needs to others in a respectful way.

I believe this can be an exceedingly difficult challenge for empathetic people. Empathetic people do not like to hurt others, and certainly want to be emotionally available. Therefore, setting sensible boundaries with others can be a real challenge, especially with those who are persistent, and seek to take advantage.

I believe it helps to recall the scripture, to love others as yourself, Mark 12:31. Would you expect a grieving person to be a great support to you?

When you are vulnerable due to grief you need to protect yourself from others who may further add to your hurt due to their own brokenness. Some people have fallen into traps such as cults, or further bad romantic relationships due to not carefully managing their vulnerability. 

Being vulnerable and choosing to be vulnerable with safe people are different things.

Allowing yourself the permission to grieve and need support is so important. If someone is not able to be a good support to you, for whatever reason, let them go. Choose who you are going to be vulnerable with wisely. If someone pushes into your private space/time intrusively, allow yourself the permission to practice self-care by not meeting their need – it really is okay!

Choosing to be vulnerable with the right people can aid healing through connectedness. It can help fight depression and envision a new, positive future.

For those close to people who are grieving loss, you also need to be careful. This person is truly hurt. Your care for them cannot come from a place of needing to help to feel good about yourself. Examine your own heart. Speak less and love more.

In separation and divorce, grief can be linked to the trauma experienced by a person you loved, trusted, and were intimately vulnerable with breaking your trust and heart. When trust is broken it can take a long time to trust others again, and in fact, it is always wise to take your time with new people. Trust needs to earned over an extensive period of time. Words need to be proven with action, again, over an extensive period.

Along the path to healing and restoration, events will happen where you will need to rebandage yourself. Hurts will resurface and you will freshly bleed, so to speak, on the inside. Understanding that healing takes time is key. Only allowing yourself to the vulnerable with a small, well-known and trusted, number of people is wise. In fact, I believe, is crucial.

There is a big difference between being vulnerable and choosing to be vulnerable.

For those wanting to care, this is not a position you can take or assume, you must be invited. If you are let in by a wounded person, show up, be present and don’t let them down. Be clear with how much support you can provide, don’t leave them feeling further hurt and confused.

Being vulnerable during a time of grief and need, is a given – however being vulnerable with only safe people is something chosen.

Peace be with you.

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