Divorce & Separation 8: The Five P Pillars

 Practice – Patience – Positivity – Prayer – Perseverance


When the finality of separation and divorce settles within you it can be exceedingly difficult to move forward with your life with a healthy and free approach. Negative emotions and thoughts can overwhelm you with dread and uncertainty. This negativity can even become debilitating.

While it is not an easy time in your life, there are only two choices once everything has completely finished in a relationship. The first, to give in to the negativity which leads to continued depression, or the second, working and living through the negativity and striving towards a healthy and positive acceptance.

The five ‘P’ pillars are a helpful guide to remember and focus upon during this period of extreme hardship. They are; practice, patience, positivity, prayer and perseverance and I would like to give some practical tips in regards to these pillars.



PRACTICE: Practice means showing up to life every day. Okay, so there may be occasional days here and there where you sleep a lot and binge watch shows, but these need to become less and less. You need to practice living again. When we hide ourselves away from life and people, we cut out the opportunity for God to minister new positive experiences in our lives. Yes, we need to be wise as to who we spend time with and have clear boundaries for our own wellbeing, however we must show up and be present. Just like child who shows up to practice each and every week for their new hobby or sport, they improve and grow because they show up and practice the skills needed. We need to practice being single again. We need to practice loving ourselves for simply because we exist and matter. We cannot let the negativity from what has happened to us rule our days.


PATIENCE: Patience is really difficult to give to ourselves, especially after being brought so low by a traumatic event such as separation and divorce. Even more so when the ex was an abusive person who made you feel unworthy. Abusive, manipulative and toxic people project their insecurities onto others and make them feel unworthy of a good life – unworthy of love, respect, forgiveness, help and much more. This toxic negativity is hard to shed. Once the permanence of the separation and divorce settles in, we need to be patient with ourselves (even if we feel unworthy of it) because we can be traumatised. Be patient with yourself, especially when you’ve had a bad day. Just remember there is always tomorrow. Every day is a new chance to continue moving forward. A bad day does not negate the progress you’ve made in moving forward in a positive way, so be patient with yourself just as you would extend patience to someone else.


POSITIVITY: Our minds are powerful. What we focus on will become our reality – good or not. A positive mindset and outlook is not an unrealistic one – it is one that chooses positivity over negativity whenever possible. If you’re not naturally a positive person, or are just finding it difficult after experiencing loss here are some practical tips. 1. Start looking for the ‘silver linings’ within your current circumstances and life. 2. Remain open to new positive experiences. 3. Make positive plans for yourself/family to do every week. Even if it’s just an outing on the weekend. 4. Read positive scriptures. 5. Read a positive and encouraging story or watch a positive and encouraging film. 6. Try positive and grateful journaling each day. 7. Connect with positive people. Reach out to them and have good conversations. 8. Find a mentor 9. Make new positive friendships. 10. Make lists and finish them!


PRAYER: Prayer, along with reading the bible is a form of communicating with God and Christian meditation (focusing your mind on God and being at peace through the experience). Prayer is a great release for tension and anxiety. We often resist prayer as it requires humility and sometimes sitting with our pain however The Lord wants to help us with these hurts and burdens and will do so when we continually lay them down at His feet through prayer. Sometimes the pain is so excruciating and heavy, we feel can feel prayer is just another burden and incapable. This can be due to our ideas on prayer, for example that they must be long, or the correct in wording. The bible describes genuine prayer as a cry from the heart, and explains God knows what we need, even without words. Just speak from the heart, or just prayerfully sit in silence. Let the tears flow if need be, give Him your pain. Jesus will never let you down or hurt you.


PERSERVERENCE: You may be wondering why perseverance is listed here thinking, “Isn’t doing the above four pillars persevering in itself?” Perseverance is a pillar because during your continued effort to move forward in a positive way you will face new challenges. Difficulties will arise. Perseverance is the continued, ongoing effort we need to achieve our other four pillars despite the things we will face such as; opposition or failure. Perseverance develops the steadfastness needed for long-term, positive growth. Steadfastness then develops faithfulness to both God and ourselves. 


Heb 12:2 “And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

James 1:12 “"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him."

Remember when everything earthly has passed, the Word of God will be the One Thing which remains.

Peace be with you.

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Divorce & Separation 7: Vulnerability

There is a difference between being vulnerable and choosing to be vulnerable . I think it is important to know the difference for both those going through the grief process, and others who want to support them. Being vulnerable is a real part of any grief process. People are hurt and wounded. They have experienced a great loss, not only within their life but also within their own identity. In separation and divorce, like death, everything changes. Therefore it is so important during this time, the vulnerable, hurt person is carefully managed. Just like a person who is physically hurt, a grieving person also has real wounds. A physically hurt person needs careful nursing – an emotionally hurt person does too. For the grieving person, they need to firstly understand and accept their current state, as being not their usual self. When this is acknowledged, the person can grant themselves the permission to set boundaries with people (or resetting new ones), and expressing their ...
Read more

Divorce & Separation 11: Being Kind

Often when we think about being kind, we picture doing an altruistic act for someone else. And while this is most certainly being kind, how often do we picture being kind as something we can be to ourselves? When we are going through separation and divorce, the grief can make us feel unworthy of kindness. Our new circumstances can alienate us from people we care about for many different reasons. The mental anguish can leave us depleted and exhausted. We need to be kind to ourselves and should not feel the need for permission to do so. When we are kind to ourselves, we actually begin to rebuild ourselves, one day at a time. What if you’ve never practiced true, self-care? What if you feel, after everything that has happened, you don’t even know who you are anymore? What if everything feels like a burden? Just keep it simple, start with one kind, healthy act, for yourself at a time. If you have trouble deciding, perhaps think back to when you were single and what you liked to do. Here are...
Read more