Divorce and Separation: 1. The Beginning of an Ending.

Divorce is so similar to death, even though many people I’ve spoken to prefer to make a clear distinction between the two by stating the obvious.

Yes, in death one is forced forward in life on this earth without the other by their side. The separation is indeed permanent. Never more will there be an exchange of shared ideas, looks, thoughts, laughter, memories or words. But in the case of divorce and separation, the loss and grief can be equally traumatising, and even at times I believe, the loss can be greater as many people are left with not only the loss of a loved one, but the further loss of family and friends, support from their community, their home and assets, pets, and even time with their children.

There is so much shame with divorce.

Even if in their heart a person knows they tried their best, and was willing to keep trying, shame is still present. The shame of mistakes made, perceived failure, regret and the thoughts wondering, "What people will think of me?"

This shame is magnified by the inaction of those they know.

When a spouse dies the other is often comforted for a time by meals, cards, flowers, visits, help with chores and rightfully so, the pain and grief is so real. Memories of good times are shared in love and the relationship is celebrated.

Sadly I have seen and experienced in times of separation and divorce the suffering partner is comforted by very few. This is not rightfully so, as the pain and grief is also, so real. 

Shame magnified by inaction fuels negative thoughts which in-turn feeds poor mental health. Poor mental health then fuels negative actions and in-turn prolongs the journey of healing. Shame drowns people in denial, anger, isolation, depression.

Where is one to look during these heart-wrenching times, when at each turn isolation and desolation is bleakly apparent?

Up my friend, up.

When I have experienced these times my only saving grace has been The One who is The Saving Grace. He has told me time and time again to keep my focus upon Him. The One who knows and sees all. The One who is forever, faithfully unchanging. The perfect comforter and provider who never leaves and abandons. The One who will hear our heart-felt cries and make a way for us when there seems to be none. This is who I have found to be the only firm foundation, Jesus. While we all want and enjoy the help, love and company of others, it is only Jesus who will help us heal fully and holistically.

Jesus won’t let us drown. Remember Peter when he was sinking in the sea? He took his eyes off Jesus and began sinking…however Jesus’ hand reached out to him!

The cycle of shame and pain will keep us a prisoner to both poor mental health and poor choices. Jesus is love and will always be there for you.

Anger can tear us up inside and we can even blame God – however we must focus on the truth and that is that God is Good – All the time.

A right to life, is the right to a free will. People are not born whole. People make bad and wrong choices – that is on them. You too have a choice.

“Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest”, Jesus said and still says today.

If you are at the beginning of the end of a marriage or serious relationship, rest. Rest with Jesus. There is time later, down the path, to make plans or focus on a new life.

Begin with the basics.

Get up every day – keep to a routine as much as you can.

Maintain good hygiene.

Eat healthily, even if you can’t seem to eat much.

Sleep well and try to get outside each day.

Love your children, friend, or main care-giver.

If you don’t have one person you can confidently confide in, focus on getting one.

Pray and read your bible.

Remember, when everything else on this earth is gone – one thing will remain and that is The Word of God, who is Jesus.

When we look all around we will see desolation and what we lack.

When we look up, we will see what we have and when you know Him, He is more precious than anything else.

Peace be with you.