Divorce and Separation: 4. Processing Guilt

In the early stages of separation and divorce there are many different things we need to process and work through. One of these is guilt.

Firstly it's important to realise there are three different types of guilt; natural guilt, free-floating or toxic guilt, and existential guilt.

Natural guilt is a natural reaction. It is often light in essence and easily gotten over. Such as when we have forgotten to do something important.

Free-floating or toxic guilt is guilt from within. We may feel essentially we are not a good person, or that we let people down, or we're a failure. It's linked with shame and depression as we feel and think negatively about ourselves. 

Existential Guilt is guilt which arises due to something external to us occurring in our lives which negatively impacts us. For example someone being the sole survivor. Existential guilt can be a form of PTSD.

When it comes to divorce and separation we can easily feel the emotion of guilt when we; replay memories in our minds, think about what we could have done differently or even what we didn't do, speak to our ex and they accuse us, or remind us of our less-than-perfect moments, speak to others (such as our children) and they tell us of about their hurts...it can go on and on. 

I feel it's important to acknowledge guilt can be felt by a person, even if the person is innocent. Guilt is closely associated with feeling shameful and like a failure. Some people can't let go if thinking, "If only I had tried harder...or done something differently..."

So how do we process and move forward from guilt in relation to separation and divorce? Here are my tips:

1. Acknowledging and understanding that every relationship involves two people. You cannot be the only person responsible for a marriage breakdown - it takes two. No matter how much the other person may make you feel awful and ashamed for things you did wrong - it takes two. They have done things wrong. They are solely responsible for their own actions and you are solely responsible for yours. Do not carry their guilt along with your own - that will destroy you.

2. Understanding you are only responsible for yourself. You cannot change someone else. It is not your job to rescue someone. 

3. Pray. Cry. Confess your guilt. Ask for forgiveness and help to forgive the other person. Do this as often as needed - it most likely won't be a once of thing.

4. Read your bible to help you move forward from the shame, and live your life in a more godly way.

5. Practice letting go of the other person and the past. We can't change what has happened but we can let go of the mental anguish guilt causes when we mentally let go of the other person each time we feel the hurt arise. We may need to have a conversation with them, expressing how we feel. We can even pray for them.


When separation and divorce occur, it really can feel like the world for you personally is coming to an end - the world as you once knew it and experienced it. The guilt this brings with it can be crippling. But you are not alone, we all go through this and given time we can heal.

You're probably feeling the free-floating toxic guilt deep within. Feelings of regret, disappointment and like a failure all form into deep toxic guilt. 

As a Christians we know God hates divorce - But please do not lose sight of the fact, although He hates divorce He loves you.

If you've done all you can, practice the five tips above to let go and heal from the guilt.


No matter what changes in your life - ONE THING REMAINS - and that is the ability to move forward with Jesus.

Walking out each day in love and humility. 

Looking to Jesus as the perfect example of obedience during suffering.

As the sun rises, so does the opportunity to let go of guilt and reach out to someone else with the love of God.


Peace be with you.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Divorce and Separation: 1. The Beginning of an Ending.

Divorce is so similar to death, even though many people I’ve spoken to prefer to make a clear distinction between the two by stating the obvious. Yes, in death one is forced forward in life on this earth without the other by their side. The separation is indeed permanent. Never more will there be an exchange of shared ideas, looks, thoughts, laughter, memories or words. But in the case of divorce and separation, the loss and grief can be equally traumatising, and even at times I believe, the loss can be greater as many people are left with not only the loss of a loved one, but the further loss of family and friends, support from their community, their home and assets, pets, and even time with their children. There is so much shame with divorce. Even if in their heart a person knows they tried their best, and was willing to keep trying, shame is still present. The shame of mistakes made, perceived failure, regret and the thoughts wondering, "What people will think of me?...
Read more

Divorce & Separation 7: Vulnerability

There is a difference between being vulnerable and choosing to be vulnerable . I think it is important to know the difference for both those going through the grief process, and others who want to support them. Being vulnerable is a real part of any grief process. People are hurt and wounded. They have experienced a great loss, not only within their life but also within their own identity. In separation and divorce, like death, everything changes. Therefore it is so important during this time, the vulnerable, hurt person is carefully managed. Just like a person who is physically hurt, a grieving person also has real wounds. A physically hurt person needs careful nursing – an emotionally hurt person does too. For the grieving person, they need to firstly understand and accept their current state, as being not their usual self. When this is acknowledged, the person can grant themselves the permission to set boundaries with people (or resetting new ones), and expressing their ...
Read more

Divorce & Separation 11: Being Kind

Often when we think about being kind, we picture doing an altruistic act for someone else. And while this is most certainly being kind, how often do we picture being kind as something we can be to ourselves? When we are going through separation and divorce, the grief can make us feel unworthy of kindness. Our new circumstances can alienate us from people we care about for many different reasons. The mental anguish can leave us depleted and exhausted. We need to be kind to ourselves and should not feel the need for permission to do so. When we are kind to ourselves, we actually begin to rebuild ourselves, one day at a time. What if you’ve never practiced true, self-care? What if you feel, after everything that has happened, you don’t even know who you are anymore? What if everything feels like a burden? Just keep it simple, start with one kind, healthy act, for yourself at a time. If you have trouble deciding, perhaps think back to when you were single and what you liked to do. Here are...
Read more