Divorce and Separation: 5. Processing Guilt 2

In my previous post Divorce and Separation: 4. Processing Guilt I wrote about how 'toxic guilt' from deep within, can cause us to feel like we're a failure. It can cause deep shame and depression, becoming a stumbling block for healing. If we allow it, guilt can even become a source for fueling a new negative self-image, and even our identity if we do not take the time to process this emotion and deal with it in a healthy way. I also provided 5 useful tips for beginning the journey of processing guilt, so click the link above if you would like to read that post first.


I have however, decided to write a separate follow-up post on processing guilt, solely dedicated to the topic of forgiveness - as forgiveness is an integral part of becoming free from guilt after a traumatic event, even if we have done nothing wrong.


Forgiveness can be confusing for some people, who believe forgiveness is impossible in their situation, or that they will only be able to forgive if they are justified or some retribution has occurred. Some people think forgiveness is only about the person who has hurt them - yet others think it is really complicated and requires contribution from everyone who has been hurt.


I hope in this post to break FORGIVENESS down into some easy to understand and practical steps to help any of you who are needing to work through processing guilt - especially in the event of separation and divorce. So here we go:


1. Forgiveness is an autonomous choice.
This means forgiveness is a choice entirely of your own and done completely on your own. You have the free-will to choose to forgive or not. Your decision to forgive any person - someone else or even yourself - is dependent upon no-one else, or any external event occurring. You are free to forgive, with or without an apology, justification, or retribution. You never need permission to forgive.


2. Forgiveness involves many people.
Sometimes we focus on forgiveness being about the person who hurt us. However many people are hurt in traumatic events, and sometimes we need to forgive many people. Sometimes we may need to forgive others, however we may also need to forgive ourselves.


3. Forgiveness is closely related to being able to 'let go'.
To let go of guilt we need to be able to forgive - yet to be able to forgive we need to be able to 'let go'. Letting go doesn't mean we forget and immediately reconcile a relationship with someone. It means we set ourselves free to move forward in life. The Lord commands us to forgive because He cares about our wellbeing. He also tells us in scripture that retribution is His business and we are justified by Jesus and nothing else. He wants us to be free to love and serve Him. Guilt and unforgiveness, or focusing on being justified or receiving retribution, are stumbling blocks for our freedom and healing.


4. Forgiveness is not a one-time event.
Just as confession and repentance are ongoing in our lives, so is forgiveness of the same person/people or events. I have found personally that hurt and guilt, (even after I have prayed and forgiven someone - myself included) can re-surface in my mind time and time again. Each and every time this happens, rather than sitting with the pain for extreme amounts of time, I need to pray about it again. I pray for continued help with forgiveness, and I confess the guilt I feel time and time again.


5. Forgiveness helps us heal from toxic guilt.
'Toxic guilt' from deep within can cause us to feel like we're a failure. It can cause deep shame and depression. When we forgive ourselves or others, we free ourselves from shame and a negative self-image. Through prayerful forgiveness we can find our identity firmly founded in Jesus. We can process our guilt through God's eyes when we ground ourselves in scripture. We will be able to forgive ourselves and others and most importantly move forward, when we understand our fragile human state and the endless possibilities lying ahead in a life lived serving Him.


This is The One Thing that remains - The Gospel.
The freedom from not only sin and death - the freedom to live a new life well pleasing to Him - and yes, this includes the times when what you thought what may have been His plans comes undone. The awful times which included the low of separation and divorce.


Remember when it feels like everyone has abandoned you, He hasn't.


Remember His prayer, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do..." and may this also become your prayer for others and yourself - Forgiveness really will help you process the guilt and let go to be free in Him.


Peace be with you.

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