Divorce & Separation 10: Two Steps for Rebuilding Trust

When going through separation and divorce, coming to terms with broken trust is very challenging. It takes time and work, to process the relationship in the light of what you now know. It's so difficult to think about what you thought to be truth and reality, to be actually false. When the true nature of someone you intimately trusted is revealed, everything changes. Perhaps the betrayal you face is not as deep as some experience, but I'm sure it is still challenging. Even when someone walks away and you have no concrete answers as to why, the shock alone is enough to shatter your trust and faith in that person.

While we know, after experiencing broken trust from a marriage, it can take a long time to be able to trust others again, what I wasn't aware of was the process I would need to go through to be able to fully trust myself again. This isn't because I cheated or anything like that, I found it difficult to trust myself (along with others) again because I needed to take ownership of the choices I made which led to me to where I was.

No, I did not choose to be dishonest.

No, I did not choose for my partner to leave.

No, I did not choose to end the marriage.

But I did choose to enter into the relationship and be swept up in the illusion.

I did choose to trust and believe a person who was not worthy of my trust...




1. When we lose trust in others and ourselves, the first step is forgiveness.

I needed to work on forgiving my ex - this does not mean we will reconcile, or that forgiveness is an easy, once-off event.

I needed to also work on forgiving myself. Again this isn't an easy, once-off event.




2. The second step is spending time in healthy friendships.

Taking it slowly and spending time in the healthy friendships of my choosing, will also allow me to rebuild trust with myself.

When our trust has been broken, it's okay to be alone with ourselves and God. It's okay to take your time and rebuild...start slowly with one room at a time, so to speak.

The other day I sat outside enjoying my own company and the rain, with a coffee in my hand while my children were inside. I spent time with God alone, reflecting on what an extremely difficult year it had been for my children and I. I thought about how others were also suffering due to COVID.

As I sat, the smells of the garden due to the rain, were strong and soothing. I sat alone with God in peace and for this I was grateful. I sat still and allowed myself to feel His grace. Even when I cannot trust others or myself, I can trust Him, so I chose to focus on His love. I began to think about how I could lay my issues aside for a time, and make a difference to others (even a small number).

I want to be someone others can trust. Therefore I want to invest in healthy friendships. It's true nothing is certain in this life, aside from our actions impacting others and leaving it one day, so how we live it matters. People may break our hearts and trust, but imagine how different our world would be if we chose to be different. We cannot make choices for others, but we always can for ourselves. 

Every day is a new opportunity to experience and share His grace and love. Lamentations 3:22-23 "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness".

Some days are harder than others that's for sure, however we can choose to make a difference by spreading real love. Doing something altruistic not only gives us joy, it helps rebuild trust in a world where it is so often broken. Real love is being there for someone you will gain nothing from, or working things through when you don't feel like it, being kind to yourself and knowing your limits, or simply showing up and being present each day with your family. These simple things are essential for our wellbeing and when we practice them we will find even in hard times, each day in time will become easier to both appreciate and enjoy. You will also find you begin to trust yourself again.

So what can you do to make a difference? It doesn't need to be difficult. Why not send a message, make a call, give a meal or gift. Visit someone and take the coffees too. Just be you and be present, not only will you help the other person but you will help yourself too.

Peace be with you.

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