Divorce & Separation 9: Loneliness
Before we make it completely through to the acceptance and hope stage of the grief and loss cycle, we must come to terms with our new reality.
Our thoughts will gradually move from processing what transpired between us and a person we thought we’d live with forever. Our thoughts when we take the time to be still, can become newly dominated by processing ideas about what our life will possibly look like now as single person.
For some people it may be exciting and liberating. For others daunting and scary. And for others still, perhaps even a combination as they may swing from one extreme to the other at different times.
An important part of this stage is working through your new personal issues that will arise, so you can reconstruct the way you cope, to move forward in a healthy way.
Issues can be broad and individual depending on unique factors such as; where you live, your personal support network, gender, age, if you have children or not, if you’re employed, your education, local available resources, money and much more.
However, one common and universal issue during this stage from my observations seems to be loneliness.
I believe there is one cure only for loneliness and that is connecting with others.
Firstly God. Secondly other people.
Hiding away from God and others will only lead to your healing stalling, or worse yet regressing.
We have a free will as to whether we will become a victim of, or a victor over our circumstances.
Loneliness is absolutely a great battle, and what great battle was ever won or overcome without God’s blessing and a plan?
The first step to fighting loneliness is prayer. The second is a plan to obtain a godly and trustworthy network of five people. I recommend five because I learned at bible college that this the number of associations needed for a person to feel connected within a church group – and it’s connection we are after…If you can find more than five that’s fine too, but I also feel a handful of people is enough from my own experience.
Perhaps you gave everything to your relationship, or for other personal reasons you do not have many people you feel you can trust, or rely upon to keep you on the right path. Do not despair you can find people. It will take time, but you can. Let me help you start with the following recommendation of the 5 types of people to look for:
1. An older, proven to be wise parental figure: It may be your actual parent or not, either is fine. It could be someone from your church, or a family friend, or mentor. Just as long as it is someone who; 1. Has time for catch-ups 2. Has their own life together and has made good choices in their life 3. Is the same gender. This figure is important to have in your life as a person to look-up to.
2. A sister/brother figure: Again, this may or may not be a biological. Just a person with whom there is no possible sexual attraction and within the same generation as yourself. This person needs to have known you for an extensive period, for them to be of best benefit as this figure in your life. They need to be someone who knows you really well, be someone who can read your subtle cues like body language or vocal inflictions, and also be someone who isn’t afraid to be honest with you, and gently warn you when they feel you are going to make a bad choice, or repeat a past mistake again. If you do not have such a person in your life, maybe it is time to reach back out to an old friend, or pray about who this person should be? This figure is important for lovingly keeping you on track and accountable – so do not choose a sibling who is unable to do so!
3. A pastor/counsellor/psychiatrist: A trusted person to work through the personal, individual issues. If you need to find someone, try to choose a person who does not trigger any associations within you, or remind you of anyone you have previously known. Also, this person can change from time to time. For example, you may start out with a therapist and later have chats with your pastor. Just make sure it is someone you know to be completely upright, professional and trustworthy. This figure is important for working through the baggage, triggers, and new issues which arise.
4. A social friend: We all need someone we can have fun with. Someone we can relax with and forget about our worries for a time. A friend to go shopping with, have dinner with, or watch a game or movie with. Again, choose someone with whom you have no sexual attraction with. You need time to heal and people to spend time with to battle the loneliness who have no prior agenda. Spend social time with a safe friend who will not rush you into a new relationship. Someone who enjoys your company and you, equally theirs. You do not need to necessarily have a lot in common, aside from perhaps a shared sense of humour, or taste in movies and of course, a desire to hang out. This figure is important for fun.
5. A peer: This person may not be a great friend, however they are someone who has a lot in common with you. They are someone you can have interesting and stimulating conversations with, as you have a similar background educationally, or perhaps work experience. They may be someone in a similar position at your workplace, a colleague you network with, or someone with a similar appreciation of food, music, sport and so on. This is a person you click with intellectually, more so than socially. This figure equally respects your knowledge, and is therefore important for rebuilding your self-esteem.
An important note to make is that due to whatever situation you are in, you may not be able to speak with each of the five important people in your life in person. Seeing people in person is great however if for some reason it is not possible then phone calls, or messaging is still okay. Touching base with each of these people each week is also important to battle loneliness.
Our thoughts will gradually move from processing what transpired between us and a person we thought we’d live with forever. Our thoughts when we take the time to be still, can become newly dominated by processing ideas about what our life will possibly look like now as single person.
For some people it may be exciting and liberating. For others daunting and scary. And for others still, perhaps even a combination as they may swing from one extreme to the other at different times.
An important part of this stage is working through your new personal issues that will arise, so you can reconstruct the way you cope, to move forward in a healthy way.
Issues can be broad and individual depending on unique factors such as; where you live, your personal support network, gender, age, if you have children or not, if you’re employed, your education, local available resources, money and much more.
However, one common and universal issue during this stage from my observations seems to be loneliness.
I believe there is one cure only for loneliness and that is connecting with others.
Firstly God. Secondly other people.
Hiding away from God and others will only lead to your healing stalling, or worse yet regressing.
We have a free will as to whether we will become a victim of, or a victor over our circumstances.
Loneliness is absolutely a great battle, and what great battle was ever won or overcome without God’s blessing and a plan?
The first step to fighting loneliness is prayer. The second is a plan to obtain a godly and trustworthy network of five people. I recommend five because I learned at bible college that this the number of associations needed for a person to feel connected within a church group – and it’s connection we are after…If you can find more than five that’s fine too, but I also feel a handful of people is enough from my own experience.
Perhaps you gave everything to your relationship, or for other personal reasons you do not have many people you feel you can trust, or rely upon to keep you on the right path. Do not despair you can find people. It will take time, but you can. Let me help you start with the following recommendation of the 5 types of people to look for:
1. An older, proven to be wise parental figure: It may be your actual parent or not, either is fine. It could be someone from your church, or a family friend, or mentor. Just as long as it is someone who; 1. Has time for catch-ups 2. Has their own life together and has made good choices in their life 3. Is the same gender. This figure is important to have in your life as a person to look-up to.
2. A sister/brother figure: Again, this may or may not be a biological. Just a person with whom there is no possible sexual attraction and within the same generation as yourself. This person needs to have known you for an extensive period, for them to be of best benefit as this figure in your life. They need to be someone who knows you really well, be someone who can read your subtle cues like body language or vocal inflictions, and also be someone who isn’t afraid to be honest with you, and gently warn you when they feel you are going to make a bad choice, or repeat a past mistake again. If you do not have such a person in your life, maybe it is time to reach back out to an old friend, or pray about who this person should be? This figure is important for lovingly keeping you on track and accountable – so do not choose a sibling who is unable to do so!
3. A pastor/counsellor/psychiatrist: A trusted person to work through the personal, individual issues. If you need to find someone, try to choose a person who does not trigger any associations within you, or remind you of anyone you have previously known. Also, this person can change from time to time. For example, you may start out with a therapist and later have chats with your pastor. Just make sure it is someone you know to be completely upright, professional and trustworthy. This figure is important for working through the baggage, triggers, and new issues which arise.
4. A social friend: We all need someone we can have fun with. Someone we can relax with and forget about our worries for a time. A friend to go shopping with, have dinner with, or watch a game or movie with. Again, choose someone with whom you have no sexual attraction with. You need time to heal and people to spend time with to battle the loneliness who have no prior agenda. Spend social time with a safe friend who will not rush you into a new relationship. Someone who enjoys your company and you, equally theirs. You do not need to necessarily have a lot in common, aside from perhaps a shared sense of humour, or taste in movies and of course, a desire to hang out. This figure is important for fun.
5. A peer: This person may not be a great friend, however they are someone who has a lot in common with you. They are someone you can have interesting and stimulating conversations with, as you have a similar background educationally, or perhaps work experience. They may be someone in a similar position at your workplace, a colleague you network with, or someone with a similar appreciation of food, music, sport and so on. This is a person you click with intellectually, more so than socially. This figure equally respects your knowledge, and is therefore important for rebuilding your self-esteem.
An important note to make is that due to whatever situation you are in, you may not be able to speak with each of the five important people in your life in person. Seeing people in person is great however if for some reason it is not possible then phone calls, or messaging is still okay. Touching base with each of these people each week is also important to battle loneliness.
You may have five people or more in your personal network but it's important to understand what role they fill. Having five social friends is great but lacking the other four is not. You can have as many friends or acquaintances as you like but these five figures above are all unique from one another in tour life and benefit you in different ways.
So, if you do not have the five figures – make it your plan to gain them. Remember you are in a war with loneliness and need to equip yourself. So pray, and seek out these people.
If you have only one person in your life, and feel like you do not know how to find more, ask them for advice!
So, if you do not have the five figures – make it your plan to gain them. Remember you are in a war with loneliness and need to equip yourself. So pray, and seek out these people.
If you have only one person in your life, and feel like you do not know how to find more, ask them for advice!
COVID-19 restrictions where I live, have made connecting difficult if not almost impossible, however I have not given up. I’ve reached out online to people and over the phone. Keep trying. If you ca not join new groups in person, there are online groups and even friend finding apps now.
Remember God first and others second.
Equip yourself for the battle with loneliness and you will overcome it.
You may have support people but do you have these 5 types? If not, be patient and hang in there – everyday is a new opportunity to meet someone new and to have a conversation that could possibly change your whole perspective and outlook towards the future.
Proverbs 27:9-10
“9 Sweet friendships refresh the soul and awaken our hearts with joy,
for good friends are like the anointing oil
that yields the fragrant incense of God’s presence.
10 So never give up on a friend or abandon a friend of your father—
for in the day of your brokenness
you won’t have to run to a relative for help.
A friend nearby is better than a relative far away.”
Remember God first and others second.
Equip yourself for the battle with loneliness and you will overcome it.
You may have support people but do you have these 5 types? If not, be patient and hang in there – everyday is a new opportunity to meet someone new and to have a conversation that could possibly change your whole perspective and outlook towards the future.
Proverbs 27:9-10
“9 Sweet friendships refresh the soul and awaken our hearts with joy,
for good friends are like the anointing oil
that yields the fragrant incense of God’s presence.
10 So never give up on a friend or abandon a friend of your father—
for in the day of your brokenness
you won’t have to run to a relative for help.
A friend nearby is better than a relative far away.”
The difficult times will pass, each day is a new one for a new opportunity. Keep prayerful and faithful and you will heal. One prayer, one day, one conversation at a time.
Peace be with you.
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