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Divorce & Separation 11: Being Kind

Often when we think about being kind, we picture doing an altruistic act for someone else. And while this is most certainly being kind, how often do we picture being kind as something we can be to ourselves? When we are going through separation and divorce, the grief can make us feel unworthy of kindness. Our new circumstances can alienate us from people we care about for many different reasons. The mental anguish can leave us depleted and exhausted. We need to be kind to ourselves and should not feel the need for permission to do so. When we are kind to ourselves, we actually begin to rebuild ourselves, one day at a time. What if you’ve never practiced true, self-care? What if you feel, after everything that has happened, you don’t even know who you are anymore? What if everything feels like a burden? Just keep it simple, start with one kind, healthy act, for yourself at a time. If you have trouble deciding, perhaps think back to when you were single and what you liked to do. Here are...
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Divorce & Separation 10: Two Steps for Rebuilding Trust

When going through separation and divorce, coming to terms with broken trust is very challenging. It takes time and work, to process the relationship in the light of what you now know. It's so difficult to think about what you thought to be truth and reality, to be actually false. When the true nature of someone you intimately trusted is revealed, everything changes. Perhaps the betrayal you face is not as deep as some experience, but I'm sure it is still challenging. Even when someone walks away and you have no concrete answers as to why, the shock alone is enough to shatter your trust and faith in that person. While we know, after experiencing broken trust from a marriage, it can take a long time to be able to trust others again, what I wasn't aware of was the process I would need to go through to be able to fully trust myself again. This isn't because I cheated or anything like that, I found it difficult to trust myself (along with others) again because I needed to t...
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Divorce & Separation 9: Loneliness

Before we make it completely through to the acceptance and hope stage of the grief and loss cycle, we must come to terms with our new reality. Our thoughts will gradually move from processing what transpired between us and a person we thought we’d live with forever. Our thoughts when we take the time to be still, can become newly dominated by processing ideas about what our life will possibly look like now as single person. For some people it may be exciting and liberating. For others daunting and scary. And for others still, perhaps even a combination as they may swing from one extreme to the other at different times. An important part of this stage is working through your new personal issues that will arise, so you can reconstruct the way you cope, to move forward in a healthy way. Issues can be broad and individual depending on unique factors such as; where you live, your personal support network, gender, age, if you have children or not, if you’re employed, your education, local av...
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Divorce & Separation 8: The Five P Pillars

  Practice – Patience – Positivity – Prayer – Perseverance When the finality of separation and divorce settles within you it can be exceedingly difficult to move forward with your life with a healthy and free approach. Negative emotions and thoughts can overwhelm you with dread and uncertainty. This negativity can even become debilitating. While it is not an easy time in your life, there are only two choices once everything has completely finished in a relationship. The first, to give in to the negativity which leads to continued depression, or the second, working and living through the negativity and striving towards a healthy and positive acceptance. The five ‘P’ pillars are a helpful guide to remember and focus upon during this period of extreme hardship. They are; practice, patience, positivity, prayer and perseverance and I would like to give some practical tips in regards to these pillars. PRACTICE: Practice means showing up to life every day. Okay, so there may be occasio...
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Divorce & Separation 7: Vulnerability

There is a difference between being vulnerable and choosing to be vulnerable . I think it is important to know the difference for both those going through the grief process, and others who want to support them. Being vulnerable is a real part of any grief process. People are hurt and wounded. They have experienced a great loss, not only within their life but also within their own identity. In separation and divorce, like death, everything changes. Therefore it is so important during this time, the vulnerable, hurt person is carefully managed. Just like a person who is physically hurt, a grieving person also has real wounds. A physically hurt person needs careful nursing – an emotionally hurt person does too. For the grieving person, they need to firstly understand and accept their current state, as being not their usual self. When this is acknowledged, the person can grant themselves the permission to set boundaries with people (or resetting new ones), and expressing their ...
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Divorce & Separation 6: Hope

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Within the significant grief and loss process associated with separation and divorce is the depression stage, and although this stage could be arguably the most difficult, the good news is, it comes just before the upward turn and acceptance stages. Depression can vary in severity from individual to individual, however it is commonly experienced as a mixture of feelings from deep sadness, anger, anxiety, disparity, dejection, suicidal ideation, deep disappointment and more. It also is often accompanied by physical symptoms such as an inability to sleep properly, lethargy, weight loss, weight gain, irritable bowl, increased susceptibility to illness and others. Depression, or even rejection or deep disappointment can cause people to lose hope. Hope in a brighter future for themselves and/or children. Hope in others, and even hope in God. It can cause them to doubt and even reject what they know to be true, both their faith in God and their hope for humanity. I utterly understand d...
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Divorce and Separation: 5. Processing Guilt 2

In my previous post Divorce and Separation: 4. Processing Guilt I wrote about how 'toxic guilt' from deep within, can cause us to feel like we're a failure. It can cause deep shame and depression, becoming a stumbling block for healing. If we allow it, guilt can even become a source for fueling a new negative self-image, and even our identity if we do not take the time to process this emotion and deal with it in a healthy way. I also provided 5 useful tips for beginning the journey of processing guilt, so click the link above if you would like to read that post first. I have however, decided to write a separate follow-up post on processing guilt, solely dedicated to the topic of forgiveness - as forgiveness is an integral part of becoming free from guilt after a traumatic event, even if we have done nothing wrong. Forgiveness can be confusing for some people, who believe forgiveness is impossible in their situation, or that they will only be able to forgive if they are jus...
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