One Thing Remains

There is a difference between being vulnerable and choosing to be vulnerable . I think it is important to know the difference for both those going through the grief process, and others who want to support them. Being vulnerable is a real part of any grief process. People are hurt and wounded. They have experienced a great loss, not only within their life but also within their own identity. In separation and divorce, like death, everything changes. Therefore it is so important during this time, the vulnerable, hurt person is carefully managed. Just like a person who is physically hurt, a grieving person also has real wounds. A physically hurt person needs careful nursing – an emotionally hurt person does too. For the grieving person, they need to firstly understand and accept their current state, as being not their usual self. When this is acknowledged, the person can grant themselves the permission to set boundaries with people (or resetting new ones), and expressing their ...

Within the significant grief and loss process associated with separation and divorce is the depression stage, and although this stage could be arguably the most difficult, the good news is, it comes just before the upward turn and acceptance stages. Depression can vary in severity from individual to individual, however it is commonly experienced as a mixture of feelings from deep sadness, anger, anxiety, disparity, dejection, suicidal ideation, deep disappointment and more. It also is often accompanied by physical symptoms such as an inability to sleep properly, lethargy, weight loss, weight gain, irritable bowl, increased susceptibility to illness and others. Depression, or even rejection or deep disappointment can cause people to lose hope. Hope in a brighter future for themselves and/or children. Hope in others, and even hope in God. It can cause them to doubt and even reject what they know to be true, both their faith in God and their hope for humanity. I utterly understand d...

In my previous post Divorce and Separation: 4. Processing Guilt I wrote about how 'toxic guilt' from deep within, can cause us to feel like we're a failure. It can cause deep shame and depression, becoming a stumbling block for healing. If we allow it, guilt can even become a source for fueling a new negative self-image, and even our identity if we do not take the time to process this emotion and deal with it in a healthy way. I also provided 5 useful tips for beginning the journey of processing guilt, so click the link above if you would like to read that post first. I have however, decided to write a separate follow-up post on processing guilt, solely dedicated to the topic of forgiveness - as forgiveness is an integral part of becoming free from guilt after a traumatic event, even if we have done nothing wrong. Forgiveness can be confusing for some people, who believe forgiveness is impossible in their situation, or that they will only be able to forgive if they are jus...

In the early stages of separation and divorce there are many different things we need to process and work through. One of these is guilt. Firstly it's important to realise there are three different types of guilt; natural guilt, free-floating or toxic guilt, and existential guilt. Natural guilt is a natural reaction. It is often light in essence and easily gotten over. Such as when we have forgotten to do something important. Free-floating or toxic guilt is guilt from within. We may feel essentially we are not a good person, or that we let people down, or we're a failure. It's  linked with shame and depression as we feel and think negatively about ourselves.   Existential Guilt is guilt which arises due to something external to us occurring in our lives which negatively impacts us. For example someone being the sole survivor. Existential guilt can be a form of PTSD. When it comes to divorce and separation we can easily feel the emotion of guilt when we; replay mem...

In my last post, Divorce and Separation: 2. Confusion Part One , I wrote about how in the early days of separation and divorce, along with the early stages of grief comes continual waves of confusion. This confusion is fuel for poor mental health, as we continually question the past, present and future - our actions taken, the ones we're taking, and the steps yet to be taken. The thick 'brain fog' that clouds our days - even the good ones - is part of the season of confusion. Today I want to continue discussing the theme of confusion, in relation to the early days of separation and divorced, as it really is a deep and complex topic. We must be so careful to care for ourselves during this time because confusion, if not carefully managed, can lead some people to lose hope and even fall into despair. The enemy, will often try to set loose a confusion plague in your mind which can lead you to feel anxious and panic stricken. During these times, it may lead some people to return...

A really difficult component to the early stages of grief and loss is confusion. Such a huge change in our personal lives takes a toll on our well-being. While we grapple in and out and even simultaneously through the early stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining and depression, alongside there is the consistent thread of confusion. This is not to say we won’t have times of clarity, and even moments of joy and happiness…but there is mostly long, unrelenting waves of confusion. Questions which play over and over in our minds, as there often is no clear answers. Black and white is sought for and even longed for, yet there is so much grey. We long for clear, crisp answers but we’re left with blurred lines. Even after our eyes are long dried from tears, the brain fog permeates our mind so thickly; it’s hard at times to even remember the fine details. We are left wanting. Wanting answers. Wanting clarity. Wanting to be fully seen and heard. Wanting to be vindicated. Wanti...

Divorce is so similar to death, even though many people I’ve spoken to prefer to make a clear distinction between the two by stating the obvious. Yes, in death one is forced forward in life on this earth without the other by their side. The separation is indeed permanent. Never more will there be an exchange of shared ideas, looks, thoughts, laughter, memories or words. But in the case of divorce and separation, the loss and grief can be equally traumatising, and even at times I believe, the loss can be greater as many people are left with not only the loss of a loved one, but the further loss of family and friends, support from their community, their home and assets, pets, and even time with their children. There is so much shame with divorce. Even if in their heart a person knows they tried their best, and was willing to keep trying, shame is still present. The shame of mistakes made, perceived failure, regret and the thoughts wondering, "What people will think of me?...